Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
