Little spoons don't ask big questions
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
