Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
