Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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