it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ladies don't puke and tell
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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