You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
