the new term for farting is butt boxing.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
