life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
