May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
