Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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