Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
