I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
