Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
