haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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