Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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