I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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