I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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