My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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