new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
