I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
