I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
