So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize