could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
