when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
