The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
