I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
