Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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