Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
pop tarts are not kleenex
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
