Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My breasts were aching with rage.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
