Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
