i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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