I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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