I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
