That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Randomize
