shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
