I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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