there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
