Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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