Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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