Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
