just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
