Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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