nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
