Four minutes until I can fart!
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Found the puke drawer
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
