So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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