dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
