the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
how drunk are you?
Several
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
