I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
