You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
