i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
