I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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