the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
