if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
