I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
