If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You left your phone here
Wait...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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