Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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