He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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