so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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