Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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