Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
