So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
